I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
This gyro tastes like lonliness
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
