man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
