You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
