please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
