I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Randomize
