A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
