Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I just threw up on my dentist
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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