You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
