the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
