he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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