i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
