i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
