He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
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He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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