apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
