i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
