i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
