yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
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I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
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You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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