i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
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