im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
3pm strippers are depressing
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
