I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
you're drinking in the law library????
...not a bad idea....
probably not a good idea either.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
