I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
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I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
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He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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