Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
