The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
