Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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