I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
