i jhust puked up my retainher.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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