so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I think a kid would responsible me up
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Randomize
