I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
