They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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