Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
