Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
