If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
i now understand why vodka
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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