Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
We are two peas in an std pod
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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