I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
