She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
