the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
