He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
