i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
