I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
