we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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