Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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