i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Randomize
