direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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