u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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