Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
The feeling are messing with the penis
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Randomize
