She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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