but the lizard people decide everything anyway
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
