STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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