I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
