The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
