I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Randomize
