Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
