so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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