MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
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